“SPIDER-MAN DONE FOR IN THE MCU,” the media cried. The internet predictably lost its collective mind when the news broke that some lame company named Sony (???: never heard of her) and Marvel had a bit of a falling out over the cinematic rights of perpetual C-lister Spider-Man.
The public reaction has been extreme and can be seen everywhere: numerous well-reasoned petitions from Change.org, lengthy social media posts decrying the breakdown of negotiations, and pithy memes making light of the “serious” situation.
Marvel, the apex of the nerd-industrial complex, undoubtedly is upset over losing such an “integral” character to their storytelling narrative, but I think they are being incredibly short sighted with their remorse. When faced with a similar loss of the X-Men to Fox, it turned out that The Inhumans were the true standard bearer for teams featuring characters with inherent extraordinary abilities.
Why all this digital blood over a sad sack like Peter “Boo Hoo My Uncle Died” Parker, the “amazing” Spider-Man? What has he done for the MCU lately? A bit character at best. You won’t find me rabble rousing on the World Wide Web (sic) for his return. No, sirs and no, madams.
Pfft. Marvel would be best served by forgetting this Spider-Man schmuck. Marvel has forgotten who the real MVP of the MCU has been for the last several years.
Let’s all say it together (because I know we’re all thinking it): Night Monkey.
Yes, that’s right. Night Monkey. This sensational character is where the real money can be made in the future. Have they forgotten all of his accomplishments thus far in the MCU? Who needs that Spider-Man chump when Marvel has the tent pole character Night Monkey? He’s been the true star of the Marvel Cinematic Universe since Civil War.
Night Monkey to the Rescue!
Let the nerdy facts be submitted to a candid world.
Fact #1: Was it Spider-Man that came to Tony Stark’s side when Captain America shamelessly fought for truth, justice, and not signing up for that piece of paper law thingy called the Something-something Accords after that thing that happened in that one Avengers movie that was kind of disappointing?
You know the one, with the robot guy? No, it wasn’t Spider-Man. It was Night Monkey.
Just recall the thrill when Iron Man called out for “Underoos!” and there was Night Monkey, making his cinematic debut, stealing Captain LAMErica’s shield.
Yeah! It was the most satisfying introduction in comic book cinema since Deadpool was introduced in the masterful Wolverine: Origins film. It was perfect.
Fact #2: Was it Spider-Man who heroically took down the Vulture after he was caught stealing scrap metal from the aliens in the awesome Avengers movie while also trying to make it Tony Stark-style with the villain’s daughter? Hardly. It was Night Monkey.
In fact, Night Monkey saved his entire school from an attack, something Congressional Republicans can’t accomplish despite wielding great power and great responsibility too.
Fact #3: Who could forget the anguish and despair in the first part of that Avengers movie duology when that alien guy that held a lot of meetings beforehand decided to show up for work and dusted a bunch of those heroes permanently and forever with a snap of his fingers?
Not a dry eye in the house when Night Monkey told Tony that he didn’t feel well. And boom. He vanished. Forever. Permanently dead. Never coming back. We were all heartbroken that all of those heroes, especially Night Monkey, were for real dead. Not even joking dead. Dead-dead.
Fact #4: BUT WAIT! Remember the joy we all felt when Night Monkey returned in that one Avengers movie that we all sort of wrote in our head but pretended to be really shocked and overjoyed at? Yeah!
That was an awesome feeling to Night Monkey return. We all thought he was dead. Man, Marvel tricked us but good! And he helped out, but tragically, he couldn’t save Tony Stark.
Fact #5: Night Monkey’s most recent movie squarely establishes him at the center of the MCU. Tony Stark, from beyond the grave, chooses Night Monkey out of all the heroes to become the next Tony Stark. What an honor? What power? What responsibility? Tony chose Night Monkey.
Not the guy who shoots arrows and oddly enough turned into a Punisher pastiche. Not the ex-Russian spy no one cared about because she had inexplicably been looked over for the better part of a decade for a solo film. Not Banner with his Instagram account and douche hipster glasses. Not the dude with a cyborg arm that was probably in line to be Captain America anyway. It was Night Monkey. Night Monkey is Tony Stark 2.0.
There’s no MCU moving forward without Night Monkey at the heart of it. Night Monkey was clearly established as Tony Stark’s successor, the heart of Phase 4 and beyond. That’s Night Monkey we remember, not Spider-Man.
And before anyone accuses me of conveniently rewriting Marvel cinematic history due to some legal battle over Spider-Man, let me be clear that I am not doing just that. I have one question for you: have you read a comic book? Continuity changes all the time. Seriously. All the time.
I’m telling you right here and right now that this is how the Marvel Cinematic Universe has played out. Night Monkey did all of those super-awesome things. That was Night Monkey you remember in all of those scenes, all of them. Not Spider-Man. Night Monkey.
And that’s why Night Monkey should continue on in any role that Spider-Man might occupy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There may be similarities in their character, personality, origin, and outlook, but Night Monkey is legally a different character than Spider-Man. Night Monkey is different and superior. That’s all we Marvel fans need.
Marvel doesn’t need Spider-Man because Night Monkey could provide everything we could possibly need out of a socially awkward teen hero who does things because they are not and not because they are possible. Night Monkey is powerful and responsible. He was also in all the scenes and movies mentioned above.
So fret not, True Believers. Night Monkey shall satiate us while Marvel and Sony (???) have this little tiff over the rights for Mr. Insignificant, aka Spider-Man. It’s not like he’s important or anything…
Okay, for real. Marvel. Sony. Work this out. Please, for the love of everything that is holy, play nice. Work this out. I can’t take this stress in my life. It’s causing me great anxiety. Please, think of us, your nerdy children. Please.