That guy in South Carolina who won the lottery is super lucky. Not because he can pay off his mortgage, buy a Tesla, and establish a foundation that eliminates suffering and disease. No, it’s because he is now so wealthy that he can insist that companies support his hobbies at the expense of their actual businesses.
Well, I’m going to pretend I won the lottery and with all this imaginary money, there is no way I’m keeping it real. First, I’m insisting I pay no taxes because I’ve come to learn that rich white men feel entitled to such a thing. Then I’m going to use my newfound power to change the below 7 things.
To be clear, these don’t necessarily make good business sense, nor or are they reasonable. But I’ve lost all tethering to reality. Hear me out?
If I Won the Lottery
Warcraft on iOS
I understand that some folks are upset that Blizzard is making a Diablo game for mobile, but I’m actually begging for the old school Warcraft for my iPad, saving a space for it right next to Stardew Valley.
To be clear, I want Warcraft 4 and all the other sequels and new franchises as well. But I like iOS. There are times when I want a quick 20 minute filler or a simple single player experience. The original Warcraft would be perfect such a thing. And it would be a load of fun!
Touch controls would make it easy to harvest lumber and move units. And the horsepower is easily there, as the new iPad Pros are clocking higher than even the heftiest laptops. Finally, the successful Hearthstone shows that Blizzard can do mobile well.
So, why not? With my lotto money we’ll soon be having fun on our iPhones as we sit in the lobby of Great Clips. Touch controls, zero lag, single player experience…where does it all end? A bitter spiral of addiction and nights sleeping in a dumpster outside of Knollwood Mall, that’s where.
Gaslands Boxed Set
Yet, I’ve never played. Why? Well, because while you get the rules with the book, you still need dice, templates, and to mod out your cars. Listen, tricking out stuff and being a maker is part of the joy of being a nerd, but I won the lottery in my imagination and as a newly rich person, I refuse to do any type of work whatsoever.
So I’m going to need Osprey to make Gaslands be a more out of the box experience. Literally. Why not create a Gaslands boxed set? A single 8 x 12 x 4 inch box could include the following:
- Gaslands rulebook,
- a full set of cardboard templates to be punched,
- custom dice,
- and 4 cars that are already modded.
This lets players get going straight away, while allowing folks to further trick out and add to their games if they want to. Sure, I realize there are third party companies that make templates, but I don’t want to buy several different things from several different vendors for a single experience.
Needing to buy separate times is a petty complaint, I know. But a lot of people ask the Earth Nerds, “How can I get into the business of complaining about everything in nerd culture?” It’s easy! Simply take the latest thing done for nerds, discuss just the bad aspects of it and completely ignore the good aspects. It’s just that simple. When you toss in that I’m newly rich, I’m even more petty and entitled. Read on!
Daughters of the Dragon
One thing I’ve learned about rich people is that they also are highly confident that they are creatives. So not only will I finance Superhero TV, I will insist on being in the writer’s room as well. Sure, this next one isn’t likely to happen even with my copious lottery winnings, but I don’t like to let reality get in the way of my hot takes. It really slows down my writing process.
Anyone who has enjoyed Marvel on Netflix has enjoyed the characters Misty Knight and Coleen Wing. But OG comic readers also know that Misty and Coleen frequently teamed-up in the comics under the moniker Daughters of the Dragon.
Sure, Luke Cage and Iron Fist have been cancelled, but with my lottery winnings, I’m financing the Daughters of the Dragon spinoff. Don’t worry, each season will just be 6 episodes to prevent some of the filler we’ve been seeing from the 10+ episode seasons on Netflix. But 6 episodes of Misty and Coleen will be glorious. Better yet, I’ve gone ahead and green-lit ten seasons!
Relaunch of FASERIP
The Marvel Roleplaying Game owned my soul when I was a kid. I want to bring it back so that it can steal more souls. But only the premium souls. The souls with good resale value.
If you aren’t familiar, FASERIP was the shorthand term for the old school Marvel Super Heroes roleplaying game that used the d100 system. Character attributes were Fighting, Agility, Strength, Endurance, Reason Intuition, and Psyche, which were colloquially called “FASERIP.”
It was a wonderful system and the later Ultimate Powers book really amped up character creation. I should know, I rolled up about a million superheroes using the FASERIP system.
Who knows who has the licensing for the game now? With nostalgia pulling everything back, the fact that an updated edition hasn’t been released is probably a clear indicator that scoring the rights to the game would be a mess. But I’m now imaginarily rich, so I’ll just buy up Marvel, or WotC, or even build a time machine to go back to old TSR days. Money is no object and FASERIP 2nd edition needs to happen.
Wizkids Gets the License for Starfinder Miniatures
If you aren’t familiar with Starfinder, read this. But, in short, Starfinder is a science fantasy game with a wonderful and evocative setting that lends itself to miniatures. Sadly, the makers of Starfinder–Paizo–partnered with Ninja Division to bring the miniatures to market, rather than partner with Wizkids, the company that brings their Pathfinder miniatures to market.
Rather than beat around the bush, let’s just call the Ninja Division partnership what it is: a total failure. First, the Kickstarter that Ninja Division ran for the Starfinder miniatures was a mess. I have more respect for the clown laying face down in the cake of the poor child whose birthday party he drunkenly stumbled into with his red suspenders around his ankles sobbingly singing Coldplay’s “Fix You.”
In addition to the mess of a Kickstarter, Ninja Division never materialized with the retail acumen to bring the Startfinder blister packs widely to market. I mean, they technically exist, but good luck finding them in your FLGS.
Meanwhile, Wizkids kills it with set after set of pre-painted Pathfinder miniatures. Better yet, Wizkids is a manufacturing and logistics veteran with wide reach into retail. When I leverage my lottery money to get Wizkids the license for Starifnder miniatures, you’ll almost immediately begin seeing sweet Starfinder miniatures in your FLGS. Plan on it.
Slipcovers for Pathfinder Adventure Paths
I love Paizo and their Starfinder and Pathfinder roleplaying games, so why don’t I complain about them more, because that is magically love according to an entitled person.
I’ve already written several articles belaboring the fact that I think Paizo’s Adventure Paths are the jewels of the roleplaying game industry, so let’s skip straight to what I think is wrong with them, which is that the 6 floppy books need to have a slipcase to store them together.
Sure, this comes off like whining, “Why can’t Usain Bolt run faster?” But I want a sweet slipcover with full color artwork and enough room to slide in the floppy adventure path volumes plus maybe the map pack that Paizo creates to accompany the AP. All slipped together, the full AP will then store nicely and look great on my shelf.
Yeah, I could use one of those magazine holder thingamabobs but I want a slipcover and I don’t care what the logistics or cost of bringing such a product to market might be!
Chris Claremont Back on Uncanny X-Men
With my last few lottery dollars, I’m bringing Chris Claremont back on Uncanny X-Men and guaranteeing him a three hundred issue run. Yes, yes, you say. Fine, nostalgia, whatever, the 80s kids grouse, shaking their canes in unison.
Sure, Chris Claremont’s X-Men may have been the most formative thing in my nerdy years, so having him back on the title would feel comfortable. Yet, I’m extremely excited about the relaunch of Uncanny X-Men and the fresh creative team that Marvel has lined up for that. Marvel has some wonderful creative talent on their comics right now.
So, instead of a nostalgia grab, my lottery purchase of Claremont back on Uncanny is more about the fact that he’s the master of the long game. He’d set up stories that he’d not bring to fruition until 50 issues later. Now, with Marvel relaunching their titles every 3 days, I have no idea what the heck is going on. So, although I dig the talent on X-Men Red, Gold, Blue, Purple, Black, and Chartreuse, I simply can’t keep up with the re-jiggering, re-shuffling, and re-launching.
Bringing back Chris Claremont–the master of the comic book long game–solves that problem. Give him one title and let him do his thing entirely unencumbered by the relaunches and company-wide crossover nonsense that is wearing out Marvel comic readers.
Well, my lottery dollars are spent. But in keeping with the fine tradition of rich people, I’ve wielded my power indiscriminately and made the above seven changes to nerd culture, regardless of how plausible they are. You’re welcome.